Rabbis and funeral directors: please talk about end-of-life plans beforehand
Rabbi Gil-Ezer Lerer, spiritual leader of Temple Menorah in Milwaukee, has seen it too many times.
The family is scrambling. They don’t know who to call. They call him: “What are we supposed to do?”
He asks: “Do you have any arrangements?”
“No, we never really wanted to.”
“My dad didn’t want to talk about it.”
“My sister refused to discuss it.”
“It happened very quickly.”
“There was a terrible accident.”
You may not want to think about pre-planning for the end of life, but you probably should. Those who serve the grieving say the alternative can be pain, family strife, and ten-ton decision-making under pressure.
“These conversations become really important, because if we don’t have them, then the kids walk away never really sure that they did the right thing,” said Debra Marcus Watton, president at Goodman-Bensman Whitefish Bay Funeral Home. “I don’t want that for a family.”
Charlie Goodman
Before someone passes, “you’re not under any type of time or emotional constraint,” said Charlie Goodman, licensed funeral director with Blane Goodman Funeral Service in Mequon.
Think about what kind of service you want, your thoughts on taharah (intricate Jewish ritual that cares for the body), whether you want a traditional pine box, financial choices, and so forth. (See, How to pre-plan, not avoid)
Lerer has seen how hard it can be when someone passes away suddenly, and there are no plots, no funeral home selected, no money for it, no talk in advance. “Those arrangements where the family has avoided those conversations …. that’s so very painful,” agreed Marcus Watton, in a separate interview.
Lerer recounts a moment from the Torah to drive home the point: “Jacob makes his plans and his wishes known to Joseph and his brothers, exactly what he wants to happen for his funeral and burial. So Jacob can do it. So should we.”
Rabbi Jessica Barolsky
If there is no plan, people are more likely to strategize and discuss in detail as someone is dying. “It’s so sad to stand in a hospital room or by somebody’s bedside who’s still alive and hear their family planning a funeral,” said Rabbi Jessica Barolsky, spiritual leader at Congregation Emanu-El B’ne Jeshurun in River Hills. “It’s hard, and I can’t imagine how hard it is for the person who’s in the bed, who, even if they are non-responsive – the research has all said hearing is the last thing to go. So even when they’re not responding, they may be hearing you, hearing their loved ones planning their funeral.”
Barolsky has a request: “Leave the room. Go somewhere else.”
Should I have a tahara? Cremation?
Barolsky recommends learning about tahara, the ritual washing of the body before burial, before a time of crisis, when people are emotionally charged and making dozens of decisions in a short timeframe. Tahara is required for burial in some Jewish cemeteries.
She said a lot of people choose it not only for that practical consideration, and “not only because it’s ‘what we do,’ but also because it is a beautiful ritual.”
The Jewish tradition holds the body as part of a sacred whole, created by God. This is part of the idea behind tahara, and why religious leaders, especially those from more observant communities, may strongly oppose cremation. Jewish law emphasizes treating the body with respect.
“I won’t even talk to anybody about a funeral if there is no tahara and it’s a cremation,” Lerer said. “I’m sorry. I can’t be of assistance to you. I’ll try to help you with other things, but I will not be able to officiate.”
Barolsky noted that if a family member does decide they want to be cremated, it’s best to share thoughts on it now. “Knowing the why and being able to talk to somebody about the why makes a huge difference …. It’s about having the conversations with the people we love,” she said.
“Some of our Jewish cemeteries allow for the burial of non-Jewish spouses, and some don’t,” Barolsky said. “When things aren’t pre-planned, it means you can get to a point and have to ask or be asked some really hard questions …. if you want to be near loved ones, is that even possible? And some of those identity questions are, again, not the thing we want to be dealing with in a moment of already profound loss.”
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