It’s not what you might expect
Say you are having a casual conversation with someone who probably doesn’t know you are Jewish. That has happened to me many times. My name and appearance doesn’t fit our stereotypes. You are discussing current events, and the conversation gets to rising gas prices and how long that might last. And they start to tell you that the Iran war and the invasion by Hamas were all the fault of Israel. “I hate those Jews!”
We know hate. Hate, or undue dislike, is often part of antisemitism, often connected with undue fear of the other, meaning us, and consequent scapegoating.
How should you effectively respond back to such hateful comments? Blast their ignorance? Tell them the real facts? Walk away in a huff? Now, if they knew you were Jewish and still said the hateful things, ignorance is less of an excuse. This scenario can almost be an “I dare you” to respond. And what about online when the perpetrator may be anonymous? Increased carefulness may be called for.
It may be counterintuitive, but research indicates that the most effective way to respond to such hate and antisemitism is the opposite psychologically sound approach. Though that kind of angry stance and ventilation may make one temporarily feel better, it is likely to make the other side embrace their point of view even more so.
Instead, be calm, curious and considerate. Convey and assume that the person must have good reasons to believe what they do. You want to be educated by them. If they seem open to it, share your own perspectives. Then be appreciative and offer to discuss more. Of course, in a perceived crisis or emergency, your response needs to be more self-protective, and then to share with organizations that are monitoring such hateful events.
That’s why I think that the term “Standing Up Against Hate” is a good rallying cry, but needs some clarification. “Standing up” with some appropriate level of pride is usually fine. “Standing up” by getting in someone’s face in a threatening manner is not. “Standing up” and walking away from a sitting position is not; it is just disrespectful and harmful to the self-esteem of the other.
I’ve had many of these types of encounters with my interfaith psychiatrist colleagues for months and months now. It worked out well enough that we could effectively put together the just-released second edition of the book, “Islamophobia and Psychiatry.”
Over time, I’ve developed an acronym to guide my own repsonses, as well as to teach others. It is WEALTH, not financial wealth, but relationship wealth. “It’s the relationship,” my friend and colleague continuously exclaimed as the key for a therapeutic relationship with patients, especially patients who didn’t want to be there and belittled psychiatry. WEALTH stands for:
Warmth
Empathic
Altruistic
Loving-Kindness
Trusting, But Verify
Humbly
Of course, since I’m a psychiatrist, you might be wondering: Isn’t there a medication for hate?
Unfortunately, not exactly, but there are some individual and group treatment options. There are what are called beta blockers that can have calming effects. When underlying depression is involved, an antidepressant may be in order. For clearcut delusions, an antipsychotic. And, what may be the most promising of all, psychedelics, just receiving a push from our federal government, and are beginning to be legalized in some states. (Please see your doctor for assistance making medical decisions.)
As far as specific therapeutic interventions, anger management can work. Hate can be traumatic to various degrees. This is where our community can be healing. There can be post-traumatic growth and strength as long as there are opportunities to ventilate about the trauma, have the support of loved ones and the community, and perhaps revise our vision for the future. Unfortunately, we’ve had to learn this all too well from our centuries of recovering from trauma.
Thankfully, we now know that our nerve pathways in our brains can be rewired. While an unusual and unexpected important situation can help that occur, it is best developed with ongoing intention.
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