It’s never too late to apologize

          In keeping with the High Holy Days themes of repentance and forgiveness, a local therapist offers ideas about how to apologize.

          “There are no words that could begin to express how very sorry I am for having missed out on so much of your life. While I know I cannot undo the past, I am asking for your forgiveness so we can begin to create a new present and a new relationship.”

           As David spoke these words he looked directly and sincerely at his 20-year-old daughter Debbie. He wanted so much to express his regret and validate the disappointments Debbie experienced over the past 10 years. Missed recitals, birthdays and graduations; important milestones where a father’s absence is most harshly felt.

          Ten years earlier David, at age 45, walked out on his wife, Sara, and his young daughter. Feeling unhappy and unloved in his marriage, unfulfilled and unappreciated in his job, he reconnected on the internet with his first love, Jane, whom he dated in high school.

          He felt intoxicated by this connection, and believed this rekindled relationship was the answer to the stagnation he felt in his life. Moving to Florida to be with Jane seemed to him like the next logical step.

          Friends and family tried desperately to dissuade him, emphasizing the detrimental and permanent effect his decision would have on his family, friends and community.

          David did not recognize at the time that he was dealing not only with a midlife crisis, but also with his first manic episode. Many people who experience a manic episode make irrational and impulsive decisions. Mania is one of the symptoms of bipolar disorder.

          Initially David’s move to Florida met his expectations. He was smitten with Jane, the warm weather and trying to establish a new career. While in Florida he sought out treatment for his mental health issues.

          His intermittent visits to Wisconsin were strained and difficult with his ex-wife and Debbie. He felt there never was enough time to nurture and salvage the relationship with his daughter.

          Out of her anger at David, Sara withheld information and communication about Debbie. As the years passed, David became introspective and regretful about how his decisions affected those he loved.

          When his lucrative job in Florida reassigned him to a position in Wisconsin, he was forced to face his demons. David chose to participate in therapy to help him navigate this difficult path.

          Taking responsibility of the pain he caused was no easy task, but it was an important first step toward making amends with himself and those he loved.

          Therapy helped David find the courage to communicate with and to confront his daughter. He had to accept the painful reality that an apology would not necessarily mean redemption or forgiveness from Debbie, but it was the necessary first step toward ending years of estrangement.

          It signified David’s ownership and responsibility for causing Debbie so much pain, and was a sincere reflection of the empathy and love he felt for her.

          During the course of therapy David learned some key aspects of how to apologize such as:

          • Admit your mistake to the other person. Take full responsibility for the hurt inflicted.

          • Refrain from using the words “if” or “but.” For example don’t say “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings” or “I apologize for being dismissive but something else came up.” The words “if” and “but” have the effect of rescinding the apology and assigning responsibilities elsewhere.

          • Don’t make excuses for offensive behavior. If you have an excuse for your actions or words, the apology will come across as insincere.

          • Ask for forgiveness, but don’t push or expect forgiveness too soon.

          • Follow through with improved behavior. To regain the other person’s trust, be true to your word and change your offensive ways.

          • Give yourself enough time to say your apology and be aware of your body language. Look concerned and sincere with direct eye contact. Pick a place that is safe and conducive to conversation. A noisy restaurant or bar, for example, would not be appropriate.

          • And finally, remember that it’s never too late to apologize. So many possibilities for emotional healing, reconnection, closure and love can arise from the words “I am so very sorry.”

          The characters and story in this article are entirely fictional, but they are based on the kinds of challenges and situations I have seen in my practice.

          In the case of physical, sexual, emotional and verbal abuse, an apology from the abuser to the victim should be carefully evaluated and mediated by a mental health professional.

   Melanie Wasserman, MSW, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in private practice.