In his first book, “Moving in the Right Direction,” Bruce Nemovitz recounts a story about two elderly widows, Eleanor and Lois.
Lois suggests that Eleanor sell the house and move into a senior facility. Eleanor replies that she doesn’t want to give up her independence, not realizing how badly her house already constrains her lifestyle.
Having spent 35 years in real estate, Nemovitz has developed expertise in dealing with senior citizens who face the challenge of selling houses and making the transition to elderly care facilities. He has written a new companion book, “Guiding Our Parents in the Right Direction,” to help families deal with senior transitions.
He recently discussed his books with freelance writer Susan Ellman for The Chronicle. Selected and edited excerpts of that conversation follow:
BN: I decided to write these books because I developed an affinity for these people. I felt like I was doing a mitzvah. And I noticed that people weren’t paying attention to their special issues, but were treating them the same way as a 35-year-old. I began speaking at different communities, and I learned as I went along and saw that there was a great need for it.
My first book was designed for the senior, typically 78 to 90, who had been in their home for many years and faced with a move. That was a step-by-step process, how to prepare and how to avoid procrastination, and how to utilize the services that are available to help make that move.
Then when the recession came, we noticed that most of our calls shifted to the child calling because the parents were staying in the house too long because they thought they couldn’t sell it, and there were more crisis management calls, where things had to happen quickly with no preparation.
The second book is basically for the “Baby Boomer” of 50 to 70. I saw there were so many family dynamics making decisions difficult because one sibling had one idea for mom and dad and another had another.
I did it with the thought that the two books could be used in tandem and [parents and children] might even exchange books to get a total feel of where each other’s feelings may be and the problems that lie ahead.
WJC: What is the starting point in your second book?
BN: An honoring conversation with the parents to truly listen to them and try to understand what they’re going through instead of telling them what to do, so it’s not adversarial, but the family’s working together as a unit. Number one is to avoid crisis, because we tend to put off things that are uncomfortable.
WJC: When would you suggest people have that conversation?
BN: I think it’s never too early. The healthier the parents are, the better the time to start. I see Mom and Dad ready to make a move, then they procrastinate until a health change makes it very difficult.
WJC: How should families make the case for the move?
BN: It depends on the family, but they should discuss whether the current situation is meeting their needs and whether a move would enhance their lifestyle, lead to a more active lifestyle, improve their meals and health care. Plus, many of these places have a continuum of care, and they don’t have to keep moving, depending on what their needs are.
The point is to approach the challenges ahead together as a family. It doesn’t always work that easily. The book references the sibling issues, whether one person handles it all or everybody makes decisions
BN: Every family is so different, but it often works best if they collaborate but agree on one person who has power of attorney and represents the family.
WJC: What if the parent resists and doesn’t feel ready for it yet?
BN: I think the best thing to do is say, “If you’re not ready now, maybe we can start the downsizing process now, so that when you are ready, things aren’t happening all at the same time. We can have all the family over and decide who wants what.”
One good option is to say, “Why don’t we take a look at a few of the communities and apartments that are available? There’s no pressure, but we can see if you feel comfortable in any of the settings before we even get to the next level.”
Often the person sees moving out of the house as the end of their life. If they don’t have an idea of where they’re going, that’s what causes the procrastination and the built-up fear of the unknown. If they’re not willing, you can have a family meeting and come up with some solution. There are people who will not move until a health change tells them it’s time.
WJC: About how much time does the downsizing process take? What would you recommend if you want to avoid a crisis?
BN: It depends. Most people now use downsizing services. They’ll come in and asses with the people what they want to give to charity, what they want to sell at an estate sale, what they want to take with them, and what they want to give to the children. The process if done that way can literally take one to two weeks. If they choose to do it themselves piece-by-piece, it can take one to five years.
WJC: Do you have any recommendations for what to look for in a particular retirement community?
BN: It would depend on their needs. It should match their health needs and their financial needs at the time, what you can afford, and what’s available in the location you want to be in. Most people want to stay in the same area.
BN: The size of the apartments, the length of the hallways, what the food is like.
WJC: What about somebody who says, “I really can’t afford this. Those places are all so expensive”?
BN: I think it’s important for people to look at what they’re actually paying. A $200,000 house costs about $1700 when they’re living at home for “free” when you take into account taxes, maintenance and insurance. If you add it all up, it’s more than you think, and generally it’s not much more money to move.
Milwaukeean Susan Ellman, MLIS, has taught history and English composition at the high school level and is a freelance writer at work on a historical novel.
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