“Dear Abby” and “Ask Ann Landers” (written by Jewish twin sisters Pauline Phillips and Eppie Lederer, respectively) were popular advice columns for several decades.
Individuals would write letters to “Abby” and “Ann” for advice on everything from relationships or difficult family situations to proper social etiquette.
Readers could relate to the tzuris of the contributor and count on a straightforward and confident (and often entertaining) response from the writer. Readers could also find comfort in the knowledge that there might be a simple solution to their nagging issue as well.
This paradigm for solving problems is a very powerful image in our society. However, it does not serve as the best model for us when friends come to us for advice.
In these situations, it is tempting to try to help solve our friends’ problems. We offer advice or suggest a different perspective on their situation, and feel good that we were able to help a friend in need.
While quickly helping to solve a friend’s difficult situation may seem like the natural and logical thing to do, it is not the ideal approach. It is, in many ways, the easy way out for us. After all, the case is closed and we can move on.
Much more challenging — and effective — is to communicate that you will be there for them in the long run as a source of understanding, strength, and comfort as they work through their struggles.
While sometimes advice and answers are what our friends need, what is often more valuable is our continued physical and emotional presence.
Furthermore, by “solving” others’ problems, we actually deprive them of a valuable part of the healing process.
Whatever the hardship may be, whether grief, disability, or crisis of faith, there are invariably multiple factors, internal and external, in and out of our control, that come into play.
It can be very beneficial for an individual to discover what those factors are and to communicate them with someone.
This process is a journey, and we have the opportunity to be a companion with our friends through their personal journey, not just show what we think is the right path.
This model of support takes practice, patience, and even discipline, but will ultimately prove more constructive. And you will, in turn, become a more effective comforter of friends and loved ones.
Having the “answers” to our friends’ problems may seem like the sensible and caring thing to do, but it should not necessarily always be our ultimate goal.
However it is that we support our friends, let us strive to have the courage to stay committed to those in need, offering our continued understanding, compassion, and love.
Hazzan Jeremy Stein is cantor at Congregation Beth Israel.
Editor’s note: “Ask Ann Landers” ended after Eppie Lederer’s death in 2002. “Dear Abby” is being continued by Pauline Phillips’ daughter, Jeanne Phillips.
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