By Jonathan S. Tobin
The arrival of a new Jewish year has us all asking the same question about what’s in store for us in 5764: Can things get worse?
Sure, they can. But even as we cope with memories of terrorism and a lousy U.S. economy, we shouldn’t lose what’s left of our sense of humor.
So before the Almighty writes just how much worse (or better) it will be for us in the Book of Life, I present (with apologies, as always, to New York Times columnist William Safire) the annual Exponent Jewish Pundit Quiz. (My answers are at the bottom of the column.)
And remember, if you are worried about the outcome, teshuvah (repentance), tefillah (prayer) and tzedekah (acts of justice and charity) may avert the severe decree.
1. The 2004 Democratic nominee for president of the United States will be:
a. Sen. John Kerry.
b. Sen. Hillary Clinton.
c. Gen. Wesley Clark.
d. Howard Dean.
e. Sen. Joseph Lieberman.
2. The presidential candidate who raises the most Jewish money will be:
a. Sen. Joseph Lieberman.
b. Howard Dean.
c. Sen. Hillary Clinton.
d. Gen. Wesley Clark.
e. President George W. Bush.
3. The hottest American Jewish politician of 5764 will be:
a. Sam Katz, the newly elected mayor of Philadelphia.
b. Rep. Eric Cantor (R-Va.), the sole Republican Jew in the House.
c. Sen. Joseph Lieberman, who will win the presidential nomination.
d. Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif.), who will be the first Jewish woman to run for vice president when Wesley Clark picks her as his running mate.
e. Columnist Thomas L. Friedman who will leave The New York Times for after he is tapped by Howard Dean as his choice for Secretary of State.
4. By the end of 5764, the Middle East peace process will be:
a. On the brink of success as Palestinian Authority President Yasser Arafat’s forced departure from the country leads to formation of a Palestinian government dedicated to reform and eradication of terrorism.
b. Still stalemated as Arafat retains control of the P.A. and the United States continues to restrain Israel from taking decisive action.
c. Forgotten after the overthrow of the Saudi monarchy plunges the Middle East into a general war of radical Islamists vs. pro-American moderates.
5. By the end of 5764, Arafat will be:
a. Rotting in his grave.
b. Still in Ramallah calling the shots in the terror war against Israel.
c. Sipping coffee at a café in Paris as he enjoys a celebrity exile.
d. At the United Nations, where he will be preparing to take office as the new Secretary General after Kofi Anan resigns to become head of the Philadelphia public schools.
6. The most surprising event for American Jews in 5764 will be:
a. The end of Sen. Arlen Specter’s political career after his defeat by conservative Rep. Pat Toomey in Pennsylvania’s Republican primary.
b. The release of spy Jonathan Pollard after a federal court overturns his life sentence because of government misconduct during his trial.
c. The failure of Mel Gibson’s film “The Passion” to whip up anti-Semitism as this grisly re-enactment of Jesus’ death tanks commercially.
d. The decision of The New York Times to buck the journalistic tide and use “terrorist,” rather than “militant,” to describe those who murder Israelis.
e. The victory of think-tank scholar Daniel Pipes on television’s “Survivor” show, the latest installment of which maroons 16 Middle East experts on an island in the Red Sea, where they’re forced to read each other’s books.
7. The release of the National Jewish Population Survey 2000-01 leads
a. An increased focus of organized Jewry on Jewish education as the most effective way to combat assimilation.
b. An increased focus of organized Jewry on outreach to the intermarried and the non-affiliated.
c. A dramatic rise in fundraising by Jewish federations.
d. More debate about the futility of such surveys and continued lack of national leadership on continuity issues.
8. The most significant event in Jewish history to take place in 5764 will be:
a. A wave of anti-Semitic riots at European universities, inspired by pro-Arab hate-mongers.
b. The vote by the World Jewish Congress’ board to oust billionaire Edgar Bronfman as president for his undermining of Israel’s government.
c. The continued advance of the neoconservative/Jewish conspiracy to take over the world as Undersecretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz replaces Dick Cheney as President Bush’s running mate.
d. The acceptance of gay rabbis and religious weddings for gays and lesbians by the leaders of Conservative Judaism.
e. Israeli Finance Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s austerity budget, which finally kills Israeli socialism and sets up a free-market economy.
9. The most hotly debated issue among American Jews in 5764 will be:
a. Day schools vs. synagogue Hebrew schools.
b. Whether or not President Bush is a true friend of Israel.
c. Media bias against Israel.
d. Whether America is winning the war on terror.
e. Anti-Semitism on American college campuses.
Tobin’s answers: 1. d, 2. e, 3. a, 4. b, 5. b, 6. c, 7. d, 8. e, 9. b
Jonathan S. Tobin is executive editor of the Jewish Exponent in Philadelphia.
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