October is national domestic violence awareness month. The following column is based on a sermon delivered earlier this month at Congregation Sinai.
Would you grant the honor of an aliyah to a man who beat his wife to death in front of their children?
I faced this question 14 years ago, when the man in question applied for a pass from prison to attend his daughter’s bat mitzvah. Luckily, his request was denied. But I’ve never forgotten the terror of facing that decision.
In the days that followed, I learned to reject some common assumptions: that domestic abuse, like substance abuse, isn’t found in Jewish homes; that Jewish husbands cherish their wives, they don’t belittle or beat them; and that Jewish homes always exemplify the value of shalom bayit, or peace and tranquility in the home.
I learned that shalom bayit can be, at times, only skin deep, masking destructive relationships; that domestic abuse occurs in our community at levels comparable to that in the general community; and that violence is only one point on the spectrum of abuse, along with emotional, psychological and economic dimensions.
Yet, in one way, Jews are not like everyone else. For us, domestic abuse is a shande (Yiddish for embarrassment or shame). Perhaps that is why Jewish women stay in abusive relationships, on average, five to seven years longer than women in the general population.
Domestic abuse is not a new arrival in the Jewish community. Listen to the voice of Psalm 55 and hear the gut-wrenching testimony of an ancient victim: “Give ear, O God, to my prayer; do not ignore my plea…. My heart is convulsed within me; terrors of death assail me…. I said ‘O that I had the wings of a dove. I would fly away and find rest….’ It is not an enemy who reviles me — I could bear that; it is not my foe who vaunts himself against me — I could hide from him; but it is you, my equal, companion, my friend; … his talk was smoother than butter, yet his mind was on war; his words were more soothing than oil, yet they were drawn swords.”
Domestic abuse is rejected and condemned in Jewish law. Rabbi Meir of Rothenberg, the 13th-century German sage, recommends excommunication of the abusive husband. The Shulchan Aruch, the medieval Jewish code of law, notes that an abusive husband should be compelled to grant his wife a divorce.
One modern voice even suggests that one of the Ten Commandments applies: “Thou Shalt Not Steal. For when one diminishes another through angry words or violence, it is if one has taken, stolen, a bit of that person’s soul.”
The rabbis understood that domestic abuse was a matter not only of physical violence but of emotional battery as well. The Talmud teaches: To humiliate another person is to shed blood.
Our tradition teaches that husbands should go out of their way to honor, respect and assist their wives. One rabbi suggested that if your wife is short, you should bend down to hear her whisper. As the Talmud puts it: “At all times let a person be keen-witted in the fear of God, giving a gentle answer, withholding anger, extending peace to brethren and relatives and to all people.”
How to help
How can we respond personally if we suspect someone we know is in an abusive relationship? First, learn the facts about abuse (see “Myths and realities” below by former Milwaukeean Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski, M.D., a pioneer in this field).
Second, acquaint yourself with local resources like CHAI, Jewish Coalition on Family Violence, a program of Jewish Family Services that provides information, confidential counseling and advocacy.
Non-Jewish local hotlines, shelters and women’s organizations are also positioned to help. Further, women often turn to their doctors for help and referrals.
If you know or suspect a friend is in an abusive situation, here are appropriate things to say and do:
• Listen non-judgmentally. Understand that your friend may be reluctant to talk about the situation and that what she does reveal may be only a small part of the abuse.
• Express your belief in what she is saying and let her know her confidences are safe with you, that you will not discuss her problem without her permission.
• Tell her you care about her well-being and are concerned for her safety. Let her know that you are there if she needs you. Make sure she can access the resources she needs and has a plan for extracting herself from the situation, should that prove necessary.
• It’s appropriate to remind your friend that she needs more help than you can give her. Don’t take on all the responsibility yourself. Such situations are challenging even for the most experienced social worker.
• Don’t say, “Here’s what you should do next.” Don’t try to save or rescue her. Instead, help her to save herself by asking questions about what she wants to do.
Domestic abuse is a shande, and we all have a role to play in eradicating and ameliorating it. As Rabbi Twerski teaches: “Abuse in our community will begin to disappear when we no longer allow it.” By speaking openly, acknowledging the problem and reaching out to victims, we can begin to restore healing, to bring a true measure of shalom bayit and peace to the world.
Rabbi David B. Cohen is the spiritual leader of Congregation Sinai and a member of CHAI.
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