No one can be surprised by the data on intermarriage from the recently released National Jewish Population Survey. Whether measured in the same way as in 1990 or more restrictively, whether the 2000 rate is 54 percent or 47 percent, the Jewish community continues to experience a huge amount of intermarriage.
The important issue remains whether we will respond positively and seek to increase the numbers of interfaith families — 33 percent in 2000, up from 25 percent in 1990 — who raise their children as Jews.
There is a Talmudic dictum, “go and see what the people are doing” (Eruvin 14b). The InterfaithFamily.com Network has done that in a qualitative way, asking interfaith families who have made Jewish choices to tell why they did, what those choices mean to them and what helped them on their journeys. Here are some lessons from more than 130 deeply personal narratives, which are available on www.InterfaithFamily.com.
Many Jewish partners and many children of intermarried parents express a strong Jewish identity and commitment to Jewish life, and many non-Jewish partners are extremely supportive of their families’ Jewish involvement.
Two of our intermarried writers founded synagogues; one child of intermarried parents is in rabbinical school, one plans to be a rabbi and two were president of their college Hillel organizations. One writer said she did not have an “interfaith family,” she had “a Jewish family in which one parent is not Jewish” — a concept the Jewish community would do well to understand, accept and welcome.
Many people — including Jewish partners, non-Jewish partners and children of intermarried parents — say that because they are in interfaith families, they have to make conscious decisions about what is important to them.
Too many Jews — including those married to other Jews — are unaffiliated and apathetic. But many intermarried Jews have had to ask themselves if and why Jewish life is important to them, and this questioning has led to increased participation as they find Jewish life an incomparable source of meaning and fulfillment.
Many parents recognize the importance of giving children one religious identity, and there are particular aspects of Jewish life that appeal to people in interfaith families and could be promoted in outreach efforts.
Many committed Christians are comfortable choosing Judaism for their children and family because Jewish theology is not inconsistent with their beliefs. Many interfaith couples find Shabbat observance to be particularly meaningful, and many appreciate how Judaism values questioning and struggling for answers.
Many interfaith families resolve the fact that there are two traditions in their family by viewing their children as having two cultures but one religious identity. Participation in Christmas celebrations should be viewed in this context. Without exception, our Jewish writers experience such participation not as having religious significance, but as honoring and respecting the tradition of the non-Jewish partner or parent.
This does not compromise the child’s Jewish identity or make the child Jewish “and something else.” One writer said, “My daughter doesn’t have to banish one part of herself to embrace another. I am not worried that the sight of Santa will turn her into an instant Christian. I have faith in the power of Judaism as a religion and as a way of life.”
Another, a Jewish educator whose children go to a Jewish day school, wrote, “As we see it, our job is to make our family’s Jewish identity so natural, so much a part of us, that it’s not threatened by the presence of a tree in our living room for one month out of the year.”
Welcoming interactions
The Jewish community’s efforts to increase the involvement of interfaith families should abide by Dr. Phil’s (psychologist Philip McGraw’s) maxim, “Every interaction either contributes to or contaminates a relationship.”
Interfaith families respond positively to welcoming interactions, such as when family members express love and welcome, when people in synagogues encourage them to visit, join and participate; when rabbis express gratitude to non-Jewish partners (“The rabbi said that non-Jews raising their children Jewish are making the ultimate generous gift to the world”) or compliment them (“Our rabbi said, ‘You may not have converted, but you do realize that you are living as a Jew, don’t you?’ Imagine that!”).
When rabbis officiate at their weddings, even on condition that the couple agrees to raise their children as Jews (“the commitment we made to the rabbi was a real one that occurred after mutual discussion and individual soul-searching”).
Many interfaith families respond positively to outreach programs designed for them. Participating in a program enabled one writer “to meet other couples, make friends with people who are facing the same issues we face, and feel comfortable branching out into other communities of Judaism in a synagogue.”
Writers told numerous stories of the powerful impact of Stepping Stones programs (parallel parent and young childhood education for unaffiliated interfaith families), “how-to” adult education programs and programs designed to help couples communicate about religious differences.
Interfaith families connect with Jewish life at varied times and in random ways, a variety that highlights the importance of always standing ready to capitalize on opportunities to welcome. They connect before their own weddings, and when their children are born, start school, reach bar/bat mitzvah age, go to college and marry.
They read articles and books (one non-Jew found her husband’s childhood book about Jewish holidays and customs and starting learning from it); they see advertisements for outreach programs in Jewish newspapers, parenting magazines or in synagogue bulletins; they find a welcome as a young adult at their college Hillel, or as a young mother in her child’s Jewish pre-school.
Traditionally, kol Yisrael areivim ze ba’ze (every Jew is responsible for every other Jew). To strengthen the Jewish community by increasing the participation of interfaith families, every Jew also should be responsible to be aware of and sensitive to, and to take advantage of, every opportunity to invite interfaith families into Jewish life.
As one writer put it, “It may be the poor reception which intermarried couples receive, rather than intermarriage itself, which creates a barrier to be overcome before couples can even consider raising their children Jewish. Perhaps a more constructive approach … would increase the percentage who want to chose Judaism for their children.”
Or, as another said, “To put a bit more faith into interfaith marriages.”
Edmund Case is president and publisher of InterfaithFamily.com.
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