Mark Katz, 32, adopted son of Susan and David Katz of Northbrook, Ill., chose not to remain Jewish once he became an adult. His adoptive mother is not sure why, but she has some theories.
“He was bar mitzvahed, and confirmed and has been to Israel and the whole nine yards,” Sue Katz said in a telephone interview. “We are very Jewishly committed and are members of a Jewish congregation. Our other two [biological] sons, [both married to Jewish women], absolutely identify themselves as Jewish, though they are not religious.”
“I don’t know what is in [Mark’s] heart. He is married to a Christian girl and has children and they are not Jewish,” she said.
Katz said she thinks that the way the community responded to Mark probably made him feel less than fully accepted.
“He certainly knew there were Jews who thought that he was not a real Jew. I’m sure he heard statements about his ‘real’ parents as well as statements that were made to us about our ‘real’ children,” she said.
And though Mark’s birth mother’s not being Jewish was no problem for the Katzes, it was an issue for Sue’s Orthodox in-laws, especially since Mark’s family did not have him go through an Orthodox conversion, she said.
“First we had to deal with the difficulty of infertility, and then the difficulty of the process of adopting and the [response of] the rest of the world and [that’s] not always positive,” said Katz.
“For the Jewish adopted community the controversy about ‘Who is a Jew’ is hurtful and problematic and, for some, it turns them off,” Katz said.
But Katz, the national chapter coordinator of Stars of David International, Inc., a Jewish adoption information and support network, also noted that Mark’s choice was unusual.
“According to the 1990 Jewish population survey,” she said, “Jewish adoptees, who make up about 3 percent of all Jewish children, are more likely to remain Jewish than non-adoptees.”
Katz pointed out that Jewish adoptees are one of the few segments of the Jewish community that is increasing in numbers.
While “the world Jewish community is multicolored and multiethnic, the American Jewish community is much more European and Caucasian,” Katz added. “I think this is a very important issue for the Jewish community to look at.
“We’re just beginning to see a significant number of children who ‘look different’ [reaching] marriage age. Is the Jewish community going to accept them? It’s really important that they be accepted or they will opt out of being Jewish and this will have a significant impact on the Jewish community.”
‘ Enough Jewish seeds’
Nurturing a Jewish identity in her adopted and biological daughters, both age 4, is also an important topic for Lisa Gerol of Cedarburg.
Lisa’s husband Adam brought Talia home from China in March 2003, when she was 13 months old. Here she found a new family, which included sister, Kayla, just 11 days older. She underwent a conversion ceremony with Rabbi Gideon Goldenholz, former spiritual leader of Congregation Beth El.
“One of my concerns is planting enough Jewish seeds that she will want to marry Jewish and lead a Jewish life,” Lisa Gerol said. “It’s the same concern with my biological daughter; but for some reason, I am more concerned about it for Talia.”
“Both girls are at Mequon Jewish Preschool, and Talia’s the only Asian there,” Gerol said. “I haven’t had any problems so far with her being accepted in the Jewish community.”
But, Gerol said, she feels “torn down the middle” about nurturing Talia’s Chinese heritage. She fears that if she pushes Chinese culture too hard, Talia will reject it; but “if I don’t teach her about it, I’m afraid she’ll think it’s something she should be ashamed of.”
And while Gerol is aware that Talia “will know when she looks in the mirror every day that she’s different from everyone else … I may be worried more about [conveying] the Jewish culture than the Chinese. To me, at some level, it’s a choice between the Jewish and the Chinese.”
Though central, the issue of transmitting and nourishing a strong Jewish identity is not the only issue Jewish adoptive couples grapple with, according to Katz.
Jews have more infertility than the general population, she said. She attributes this to the high value that Jews place on education, which results in later marriages among Jews.
So, while fertility in women peaks between 18 and 21, the vast majority of Jews are in college during those years. Statistically, most Jews who adopt do so because of infertility, Katz said.
Also, Katz said, “the vast majority of birth mothers are not Jewish and today, the birth mothers choose the families in which they place their children. They choose people like themselves, but with more means. It makes sense.
“In a perfect world, it is best for children to be raised by their parents, by family members or by people like them. If the birth mother is not Jewish, why is she going to choose a Jewish family?”
Katz spoke of many issues she has confronted over the 20 plus years she has been an adoptive parent and an activist in the adoption community.
Among them was Mark’s need for information about his own medical history when his children were born. That led to a search for and reconnection with his birth mother.
“Adoption is a lifelong issue,” Katz said. “Every generation opens up the issues again for the adoptee.”
Stars of David International, Inc., a chapter of which Katz started in the Chicago area 18 years ago, helps Jewish couples find adoption agencies that are “Jewish friendly.”
It also works with adoptive parents beyond the initial adoption process. Essentially, it is a parent support group whose goals are to educate, network, inform and make connections, Katz said.
Stars of David creates a newsletter, and hosts educational and social meetings and workshops.
On Sunday, Nov. 5 it is co-hosting — with Adoptive Families Today and Families with Children from China — the “13th Midwest Adoption Conference: The Adoption Experience” at the William Rainey Harper College in Palatine, Ill.
For information and reservations, call 773-274-1527 or visit www.starsofdavid.org.
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