Have you ever wondered if good marriages were just a matter of luck?
Actually, research shows that partners can create a good marriage at any point in the marriage. That’s crucial because marriage, with or without children, has advantages over single life or cohabitation.
Good marriages help people live longer, stay healthier, increase chances of financial success and have better sex.
So, what’s the formula?
Love and learning
Good marriages are skill-based. There are definite dos and don’ts. The web site www.smartmarriages.com, which is hosted by the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, is jam-packed with research, workshops and resources devoted to teaching marriage-enhancing skills. Here’s just a sampling of ideas:
• Learn to live with conflict. John Gottman, one of the foremost authorities on research-based approaches to marriage enhancement, says most marital arguments are irresolvable. So, focus on how you both reconnect after an argument. Look for action, not talk. Isn’t it better to have your spouse make meaningful changes without the apology?
• Increase positive time together. Plan predictable, meaningful fun time with a ban all topics of possible conflict. One busy couple schedules “sacred Wednesdays,” when they eat dinner out together.
• Stop caring about who’s right and instead focus on solving problems. After all, 31 percent of issues are resolvable with empathic listening and creative problem solving.
• Give love in the way your partner, not you, will appreciate. Maybe you like time to mull over challenges, but your spouse needs to talk about concerns immediately. Be flexible.
• Use play and humor whenever possible. One couple’s motto is: “He’s always right, but we always do it her way!”
Want a good marriage? Start learning!
Karen Schudson, M.S., is a licensed marriage and family therapist at Jewish Family Services. You can direct questions to her at socwkr@jfs mil.org.
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