What do young Jewish women think?
Jewish parents often despair of their children’s connection to Judaism, and many people assume that teenage rebellion too often results in a distancing from one’s community.
None of those assumptions held true for eight teenage girls who participated in a roundtable discussion with The Chronicle staff at the Harry & Rose Samson Family Jewish Community Center on Sunday, Aug. 27. In fact, Miriam Cohen, 17, said “it’s cool to be Jewish.”
Coming from backgrounds ranging from secular to strict Orthodox, the girls sprawled on pillows, blankets and mats on the floor and openly expressed their opinions, feelings and hopes as Jewish women of the 21st century.
Talk was uninhibited and respectful, with a range of opinions. They shared their thoughts and listened carefully to each other.
Participants included girls from four different Milwaukee-area high schools: Chana Ellman, 17, in 12th grade at Riverside University High School; Sonya Godkina, 14, in ninth grade at Nicolet High School; Bettny Mazur, 16, in 11th grade at Shorewood High School; Miriam Cohen (a pseudonym), 17, in 12th grade at Torah Academy of Milwaukee (TAM); Sophie Pereira, 14, in ninth grade at Nicolet; Malkah Pinsky, 17, in 12th grade at TAM; Chaya Pittleman, 16, in 11th grade at TAM and Amanda Stahl, 17, in 12th grade at Nicolet.
The following is an edited version of their discussion. Watch for a similar discussion with teenage boys this winter.
How do you show your Jewish identity and how do you choose to participate in the Jewish community? Why?
Malkah: I show my Jewish identity by covering my elbows and my knees at all times, because I know that’s the Jewish dress code and that’s what I’m supposed to be doing…. I participate in the Jewish community by helping out with the Jewish Home [and Care Center]. I volunteer at the elementary school often and I’m very involved in my school. Among the Orthodox families, we have a lot of large families and a lot of our charitable hours are put into helping around the house.
Chana: I don’t go to synagogue all that much but I go to programs like this and the Jewish Teen Day of Discovery and stuff like that. Also I volunteer sometimes. I feel we sort of owe it back to the people who don’t have all the privileges that we do.
Amanda: For me, I’m really active in B’nai B’rith [Youth Organization.] I’m currently the regional president and it’s important to me to keep that closeness of my Jewish identity. Also I go around volunteering.
Bettny: I went to a Jewish camp and this summer I went to Israel. It’s because being a Jew is part of me and it’s how I identify myself.
Miriam: My Jewish identity is in everything I do. It’s the reason I go to a Jewish school; it’s the reason I dress the way I do, the friends I hang out with, the music I listen to, the things I do in my spare time. A lot of people are out there looking for their identity and we kind of know.
Chaya: I show my identity by trying to dress modestly but also in the way I act, in a store, for example. Try to act just your best so if you make an impression on anyone, it’s a good one.
What does the term “Jewish values” mean to you? How do your Jewish values affect the way you make decisions in your life?
Miriam: My Jewish values are in the way I express my Judaism. My Jewish values would include all the different things I’ve been doing as I grow up and I want to keep doing when I have a family of my own and a house of my own.
Chaya: [When I went to a Jewish day school, I understood Jewish values] in more general terms, as kindness and having respect for yourself and others. Now [that I’m at an Orthodox high school, my definition of Jewish values is] more honed down to what you should be doing to keep those values. It’s more specific; the value of respect means that you dress modestly because you’re respecting yourself. And you don’t use profanity.
Malkah: In the Ten Commandments, it says, “no stealing, no killing, no [committing] adultery” and to respect your parents. But does that mean you don’t have to respect your siblings, or you can scratch somebody or punch them? The value of being Jewish is that you have to respect everybody, and you can’t harm somebody, not necessarily just [not] kill.
Chana: I don’t really think so much about Jewish values, because when I do something, I don’t really say to myself, “OK, is this in tune with your Jewish values?” I just think, “is this in tune with having good character and being a good person?” Being honest, kind, and stuff like that, I think those are what people would call Jewish values. I think of them as morality or values in general.
Amanda: My Jewish values, I guess, are more like what I can do to help other people, or what I can do to follow what I’ve been taught.
Chaya: One of the values that people don’t think of right away is having a nice home and what’s in the home. I think the family is a big thing for the Jewish people.
Do you pray? How does it make you feel? Why do you pray?
Miriam: I pray. We have the chance every day to talk to God. I think everyone has something they want to pray for — from the little things to the biggest things. It’s really just cool to say what I want to get off my mind and also to ask for a little bit of help.
Malkah: I’ve been praying ever since I learned how to in kindergarten, and I feel that prayer is a special, unique time to be one-on-one with God, and to [talk] to the Almighty, who gives you everything and continues to wake you up in the morning.
Chaya: I feel that it’s really amazing that you see words that people wrote thousands of years ago, and said over and over for thousands and thousands of years.
Chana: I pray sometimes. I don’t really like to pray in groups; it’s kind of trite. I like to pray alone, so I pray the prayers that I want, and the prayers that are meaningful to me.
Amanda: For me, I’m a really busy person. I was raised Conservative and don’t go to temple that often, except for the High Holy Days. But now I go to The Shul [Orthodox] and for me, just being there helped me to make more of a connection to God, and praying gives me that one-on-one time with God.
Do you think that Jews have a special role in the world? What do you think about Jews being the Chosen People?
Chana: I think Jews have the same duties as everyone else. That is, to be compassionate, tolerant, and charitable. I think that sometimes Jews take this more seriously than some other religions do…. I think it’s a good thing that we do that more, it’s not an extra responsibility we have.
Miriam: I do think we have an extra role. I think that everyone has to be open, compassionate and do their part, but I think, as Jews, it’s part of our past, part of our nature. We still need to keep up the responsibility.
Malkah: I believe the Jews are here to keep the mitzvahs, uphold the Torah and sing on high God’s name, whatever we do and wherever we go, whatever relations we have with other people…. We have to work together with other nations to teach, in a way that lets people know that we are special and that we have to act in a way that we deserve the name of “chosen” and not treat other people as inferiors at all.
Do you think it’s important to marry someone who is Jewish, or to date only someone who is Jewish? Why?
Miriam: I don’t date right now. I’m going to date when I’m ready to be married. But when I do he’s going to have to be Jewish. I’ll have to marry a boy who has the same goals as me, the same values as me, and the same kind of lifestyle as me.
Malkah: I think that if you start dating someone who is not Jewish … [and] you’re dating just for fun, your emotions could overcome you, and you’ll have to change your whole lifestyle just because you like somebody. Marriage is a whole life decision. A lifestyle is how you’re going to raise your kids, what kind of schools you’re going to send them to, what types of things you’re going to allow in your home and what you [won’t] allow too. So definitely, it’s a huge, huge decision you make, and definitely Jewish is the way I’m going.
Chana: I don’t think it would be important for me personally, because when I get married, [what] I will be looking for is that they share the same values, but not necessarily Jewish values, [with me]. It would be nice if I married someone Jewish. It wouldn’t be all that important, as long as I could still express my Jewish identity.
Amanda: I’m definitely marrying a Jewish guy. I think that marriage is making a life with someone. … I want to keep up my Judaism. I want to make a Jewish family. I need to marry a Jewish guy. If I don’t marry a Jewish guy, then I won’t be able to have the same kind of family, relationship and life that I would want.
Bettny: For me, marrying someone Jewish is really important. Because then you have the same traditions and stuff. In a way it’s good to be observant of all different types of religions. For me, I feel I need to marry someone Jewish.
Have you ever been to Israel? If not, do you hope to go in the future?
Malkah: I went to Israel a few years ago. …When I was there, I had an overwhelming feeling that something was pulling me, saying “This is your home.”
Bettny: I was there this summer. It was amazing that the majority of people there are Jews. I felt a deep connection. It really felt like home.
Amanda: I’ve actually never been to Israel, bur I definitely want to go, because I have so many friends who have gone. For me to go to Israel would be really important. It would help me with my Jewish identity and define myself more.
Miriam: I was there this summer. I was there for a little over a month. They took us from place to place, and they said, “Remember when you learned about this? It happened on this mountain.” When you’re learning something, it can be hard to remember it’s a real place, until you’re standing there.
Chaya: I hopefully plan on going soon. I’m begging my parents to take me when they go.
Are your friends mostly Jewish or not? And why do you think that is? Is it important to you?
Miriam: I think most of them are. I think it’s because of what I do with my time. It’s easier to stick to what you feel strongly [about] when you’re always being encouraged by your friends. When we value the same kinds of things, it’s easier to have a good time together.
Sonya: I have some of each. If you enjoy spending time with that person or that person is a really cool person, it doesn’t matter what religion they are.
Chana: Most of my friends aren’t Jewish, for the very simple reason that I’m one of four Jews in a school of 1,600 people. It would be nice to have more friends who are Jewish. But I don’t feel like I’m missing out, because my friends are really nice and we really like each other. But it would be nice to not have to explain myself and try to explain my Jewish customs. It would be nice if they understood.
Amanda: For me, I’d say most of my friends are Jewish, but it depends on what activities I’m involved in and where I go. I think it’s important to have Jewish friends, but I also think it’s important to expand out, and not have [only] Jewish friends. I love teaching about my religion, because I’m so obsessed with Judaism.
Bettny: My school friends are mostly non-Jewish. But many other friends are Jewish. I’m involved in the same activities as them. I go to the same synagogue as them. I feel I can relate to them better, as we share the same feeling and emotions.
Chaya: I think all my friends are Jewish. I think that’s important, because even some of my friends who weren’t observant, but were Jewish, made an impact on me that I feel now wasn’t the greatest, because they weren’t surrounded by what I believe is important. I don’t know if that would happen if I was surrounded all the time by people who aren’t Jewish. I might stand up more, and not take anything in that I didn’t like.
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