Years later, children learn more about their mother

          Miriam (Smoler) Merens, my mother, died of brain cancer at age 57. I am scheduled to turn 56 this fall.

          It is hard to believe that it’s been 25 years. It becomes increasingly clear just how young our mother was with each passing year.

          My mother had three sons — Hank, Ben and Josh. For the past quarter-century on May 7, the anniversary of her death, Josh and I (occasionally also Hank) head to Shalom Memorial Park in Arlington Heights, Ill.

          There we spread a blanket and spray her perfume upon her gravestone. (It’s Belogia for those of you who want to know.) The odor of her favorite fragrance brings tears to our eyes, and more importantly memories to our hearts and minds.

          While Mom died 25 years ago, she remains alive not only in our memories but also in the stories we tell each other about her — stories that one of us never knew and therefore we continue to learn about our mom even 25 years later.

          For instance, it was probably 15 years ago that I shared the following story:

          Our folks divorced when we were all quite young. It dawned on me when I was in high school that Mom did a lot more than just serve as mother. She also took over a lot of Dad’s duties too. Oh, we saw him on the weekends, but Mom was a dual parent.

          For this reason, I began to send her both a Mother’s Day card and a Father’s Day card when I was 16. It wasn’t a knock against Dad as much as a way to let Mom know that all of her efforts were valued and should be recognized in a special, simple way. That was Mom — she loved special and simple.

          (Mom was an identical twin. She and my Aunt Devorah “Didi” did everything together. In fact, when I was born in 1959, I came home to a small ranch house. My aunt lived with her family in the exact same house right next door.)

          Mom never mentioned the cards. So in college, after my junior year, I decided not to send a card.

          Mom called two weeks later to ask if I was mad at her. When I asked why, she responded, “Because you didn’t send me my Father’s Day card this year.”

          I had no idea how much they meant to her. (Part of me thinks it was one of the few things she didn’t have to share with Aunt Didi.)

          My brothers’ jaws dropped when I told them the story. They had no idea. Mom never mentioned the cards to anyone. (Another piece of the Mom puzzle).

          I wonder what stories will get shared next year.

          Ben Merens has been a journalist for 32 years, much of them as a host on Wisconsin Public Radio. He is now director of Podcast Radio International and the media director for The Vistelar Group and The Brand XLerator Company.