When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, my thoughts went immediately to my daughters, ages 5 and 7 at the time. What would I tell them? How would I care for them? What if I died?
I discovered that, at the time of my diagnosis, information for younger women with breast cancer — specifically regarding parenting — was hard to find.
I found books and websites about breast cancer and how to eat well, how to exercise, how to select an oncologist and even how to be a supportive husband — but nothing about how to parent.
I decided to find the information first hand. I spoke with pediatricians, psychotherapists, a psycho-oncology nurse, a social worker with expertise in bereavement and the few other moms I could find who had young children while battling breast cancer.
I quickly realized that my first parenting priority was determining how to communicate with my daughters about my disease. My husband and I relied on a few principles that I learned from the professionals I consulted.
• Be honest. This was an opportunity for us to build up (or chip away at) trust with our daughters. If we said, “Nothing’s wrong,” they would know we were being untruthful, as it was clear to them that something was wrong.
We also risked making them feel more anxious by evading the truth. They were likely to think, “It must be something so terrible that Mommy and Daddy won’t even talk to me about it.”
Honesty worked well. Today my daughters have great trust in my husband and me. They believe us without question when we tell them honestly that something is “nothing to worry about.”
• Be factual but age appropriate. When our younger daughter asked me, “Does this mean I will get cancer?” I could have discussed the risk associated with my genetic predisposition to developing breast and ovarian cancer.
This is a predisposition that I inherited from my father and she could have inherited from me. I knew that this information was inappropriate for a young child; yet I did not want to dismiss her concerns.
Our pediatrician advised me to be factual but age appropriate. Despite their risk of inheriting my genetic predisposition, the rapid advances in breast cancer research suggest that we really don’t know the nature of my daughters’ risk, even now that they are in their teens.
I responded by first explaining that breast cancer is not contagious and that none of us caused it. I also said, “Breast cancer is a disease that only affects adults. You are taking good care of your body and that will help you grow up to be healthy.”
Explaining chemotherapy was another topic that required an honest but age appropriate response. I explained that cancer was like dandelions. “When the seeds blow away in the wind, a dandelion can sprout up somewhere else. Chemotherapy will kill the cancer so it can’t sprout up somewhere else in my body.”
• Be reassuring. Initially this advice seemed to conflict with “be honest.” How could we tell our daughters that everything would be okay if we didn’t know that to be true?
We learned ways to be both reassuring and factual. We could say, “Mommy is being treated by the best doctors we could find, and they are doing everything possible to make her better.”
• Plan how to break the news. I was advised to plan a time and a place, what we would say and how we would answer questions. This is one piece of advice my husband and I did not follow.
Science happens to be a common topic of conversation at our dinner table, even when our girls were young. Just after my diagnosis, the subject of cells came up during dinner one night.
I went to the girls’ bookshelf and found a spiral bound book about the human body. It consisted of several clear plastic sheets, each illustrating a system in the body (digestive, nervous, etc.).
We turned to the sheet that illustrated the circulatory system, which also showed different types of blood cells. This led to a discussion of my doctor finding some cells in my body that were damaged. And before we knew it, our daughters understood my diagnosis without being frightened.
• Use the “C” word. Perhaps the most valuable advice I received came from Melodie Wilson, television anchor and breast cancer advocate, less than a year before she died.
She was my mentor, assigned through After Breast Cancer Diagnosis (ABCD), a mentoring organization that she founded. Melodie understood my concerns well. She was diagnosed when her children were young, and her high visibility only magnified the challenges.
I asked her, “Should I use the word ‘cancer’ with my daughters?” I was concerned about frightening them.
Melodie advised me to use the word as they were unlikely to know its meaning at their age. She reasoned that someone would define the word for them. That someone should be me.
Stephanie Wagner is the vice president of communications and strategy for the Milwaukee Jewish Federation. More information about parenting and breast cancer can be found at her website BreastCancerMoms.com. Since 1985, October has been National Breast Cancer Awareness Month.
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