At a recent conference, Diane Ehresaft, author of “Spoiling Children,” discussed some of the paradoxes we face regarding expectations for our children.
For example, advertisements promote classes to teach infants to read, while well-known pediatricians appear on diaper commercials encouraging parents not to rush a four-year-old to be toilet trained. It is as though we are racing through some areas of childhood and holding back in others.
Such paradoxes cause confusion both for parents and for children. Children need to know that their parents are in charge, but they also need to receive age-appropriate opportunities for independence.
So the first step in raising responsible children is having realistic and age-appropriate expectations.
Children should be able to dress, brush their teeth and go to the bathroom independently by age five. But children may need help structuring their time. For example, if every morning you rush off late to school, it is important to determine whether you are allowing enough time for your child’s morning routine.
By second grade, most children are given the responsibility of doing homework. Some schools have home contracts outlining the child’s and parents’ responsibilities regarding homework.
The child’s responsibility is to write down assignments and do the homework. The parent’s responsibility is to structure adequate time and to check the child’s assignment notebook daily until the child shows the ability to self-monitor.
It is also important to choose chores that your child can do successfully given his or her age and schedule constraints. Making chores a positive experience helps to engage cooperation rather than power struggles.
For example, four- to seven-year-olds enjoy fantasy and imagination. So you can turn the chore of sorting socks into a royal sock hunt. Create a story with your child about the queen who has only one sock and then search to find the matches.
Choosing wisely
The second step to raising responsible children is to give choices. School-age children are learning to exercise power and control. Giving choices provides them with a sense of having some control over a situation, which minimizes the need to be defiant. But be careful to offer only those choices you can live with.
For example, on a cold winter day your child is wearing a short sleeve shirt. You may ask, “Do you want to wear the blue sweatshirt or the green one over that?” That way, you remain in charge of the situation, but your child has some choices.
If you had offered the following choice, “Either you wear a sweatshirt or you are not going to school,” you risk suffering more than your child.
The third step to raising responsible children is to use logical consequences and privileges. Research on the use of rewards is conflicting, and experts have recently expressed concern that overuse of rewards causes children to believe they need to be paid for good behavior.
Several years ago I was talking to a ten-year-old who refused to brush her teeth. I expressed my surprise that such a pretty girl would want to have scummy teeth. She informed me that if she held out long enough, eventually her parents paid her to do it.
Children need to learn the benefits inherent in good behavior so that they remain motivated to maintain the behavior. That’s why what I call “natural privileges and praise” is important.
Such privileges are directly related to a behavior. For example, your child is ready ten minutes early for school. You may offer the choice to have television or computer time. Or, if your child has worked hard on homework, in recognition you may offer to play a game.
Natural or logical consequences work similarly. When parents develop consequences that are linked directly to behavior, children learn the disadvantage to irresponsible behavior.
For example, your children tend to use dessert time to dawdle and put off their bath. You inform them of the new rule that dessert is served after their bath and no later than 8 p.m. If they come running down at 9 p.m., you simply say, “Sorry, it is after 8 p.m. and too late for dessert.”
The fourth step to raising responsible children is to foster routines. This can be done in several ways. For example, you can tell your child what tasks he or she needs to do in the morning and give the child a sticker for completion of each task. Small rewards like these can be effective in the initial stages of establishing a routine and then can be phased out in favor of praise and privilege.
Another way to foster routines is by using games like “beat the clock.” The child is told the tasks he or she needs to complete before the buzzer goes off. My husband and I started a game with my daughter that she was to surprise me by getting ready by herself in the morning. She would hide, and secretly dash from her room to the bathroom to brush her teeth. She was then delighted to see me jump when she yelled “surprise!” Such interventions are designed to avoid nagging, negotiation and power struggles.
You can also teach a routine by modeling behavior, such as brushing your teeth with your child. I remember my morning routine as a child being a very special time with my father. I would watch the care he took in washing his face and brushing his teeth and learned to mimic his routine, all the while enjoying this nurturing time.
When parents find certain times of the day chaotic or feel they are arguing too much with their children, it may be helpful to step back and analyze the problem using the four concepts discussed. Understanding appropriate expectations, giving choices, using logical consequences and privileges, and fostering routines can help parents manage and maintain a pleasant atmosphere in their households.
Debby Lev-Er, M.S.W., provides counseling services to children, adults and families through Jewish Family Services. She also consults at the JFS Child Development Center and facilitates parenting groups. In addition, she provides communication training to divorced couples who have been ordered by the courts to attend the JFS coaching program for divorcing couples.
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