Children of divorce find support in JFS program
Divorce can be a lifelong issue, especially for the children involved, according to the experts at Jewish Family Services.
When JFS program coordinator Darcy McDaniel spoke about children and divorce on TV recently, a 61-year-old man from Iowa called in to tell her he has thought about his parents’ divorce every day since he was 9 years old.
If unresolved, it can continue to come up, especially during periods of transition and lifecycle events, McDaniel said.
In an effort to support children dealing with the separation and divorce of their parents, JFS launched an initiative this fall, which offers group and individual counseling for such children.
Called “Kids in the Middle,” this new program provides them with a safe place to work on understanding the changes in their families. There they can express their feelings and learn to cope with the challenges of being “in the middle,” between two parents who are breaking up.
When a family comes to JFS in need of help with this kind of transition, JFS makes an assessment with the parents and children, said McDaniel, coordinator of Kids in the Middle.
“We try to figure out what is going on with that particular child: Is she having trouble expressing anger, difficulty sleeping, siding with one parent or the other, having trouble with school work, or, maybe, thinking she is the cause of the divorce?”
McDaniel said.
Self-blame is a common problem for children of divorce, explained Joy Appel, JFS vice president of clinical and counseling services.
“A child would naturally experience [himself] at the center of the universe and so, would assume [the trouble between his parents] was his fault. And if a child carries that with him, he may have trouble with relationships in the future,” she said.
‘Normalizing experience’
JFS’ Kids in the Middle program, based on an original model in operation for 29 years in St. Louis, organizes the children into groups based on age. Ideally a group will be made up of six or seven kids, according to McDaniel.
The first local group, comprised of four 5 to 8 year olds, began meeting weekly in late October, at JFS in downtown Milwaukee. Though the building has rooms designed for children, JFS set aside another space dedicated just to this program.
This allows them to feel some ownership of the space and a higher degree of comfort there, Appel said. “The kids can come back week after week and see their own art work on the walls. They have cushions on the floor and art materials available,” she said.
JFS’ newest therapist Shira Speiser, who worked as a school social worker in Cleveland and for JFS in Chicago before relocating to Milwaukee, is the lead therapist for Kids in the Middle. When the group meets, Speiser and intern Kris Williams guide the children through a structured session.
They begin with a “check in” time when the children can talk about the previous week. Then they participate in an art activity, listen to a story or play a divorce-related game, Appel said. And at the end of the session they again talk about their feelings and have a closing ritual.
One important part of the program, Appel said, is that the children help each other acknowledge that they have experienced the same feelings and problems. With Speiser’s guidance, they make suggestions based on their own experiences.
That type of sharing is invaluable for children, explained McDaniel. “While adults have opportunities to talk to other adults and counselors [about serious emotional issues] kids don’t have this,” she said.
“Part of the beauty of this program is that children come into the group and realize they are not the only ones going through this. It is a normalizing experience,” she said.
Former Milwaukee resident and JFS special needs case manager Judy Berkowitz, who is now executive director of Kids in the Middle in St. Louis, was a conduit for JFS to acquire the program. Berkowitz told JFS that through their pre- and post-program questionnaires, therapists have seen a decrease in anger and sadness and an increase in overall coping skills and acceptance among the children who have participated in their programs.
As for JFS’ first group, McDaniel says, it “has gone exceptionally well. [Though] the kids are from different socio-economic and racial backgrounds, they have created a real bond with one another. They take pride in what they’ve accomplished so far and see the space we’ve created for them as their space,” she said.
According to the St. Louis organization, Appel said, the average length of time children stay in a group is 12 weeks, but they may come back after an interval, during transitions or when issues recur or new ones arise.
Although JFS charges fees to participate in Kids in the Middle, they are figured on a sliding scale. In some cases, insurance will cover them, Appel said. JFS has applied for a grant for funds to cover anyone who cannot afford to pay.
JFS president and chief executive officer Sylvan Leabman emphasized that the agency “wants to make sure there are no barriers to participation” in this program. So, JFS has added evening hours on a second weekday and is even willing to go and pick children up, if the parents are agreeable, he said.
Kids in the Middle is one of several new programs JFS has added since completing its strategic plan in summer 2005. That plan called for expansion of services to children and more early intervention and prevention programming, Leabman and Appel explained.
The Jewish Women’s Endowment Fund gave JFS a grant for a 12-month period to create materials for the program and market it, which they are doing through clergy, pediatricians, obstetrician/ gynecologists, family law attorneys, preschools, day care centers, public schools, and other non-profit organizations that serve large numbers of children.
Last summer, the Jewish Community Foundation, the endowment program of the Milwaukee Jewish Federation, granted funds for JFS to purchase the license for Kids in the Middle from the St. Louis organization.
Now licensed in Milwaukee, Ozaukee, Waukesha, Kenosha and Racine counties, the program is open to all members of the community, regardless of religious affiliation.
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