More than five years ago, Donna and Leo Kleiner and their two sons sought other families with whom to attend synagogue.
They connected with six other families, all members of Congregation Beth Israel, and thus began a spiritual, cultural and social journey.
As many other Jews have done in the past 30-some years, they formed a chavurah. In the meantime, they developed a “core group of friends.”
“These are my friends,” said Leo Kleiner. “We like each other and like being together.”
Jewish counter-culture
Chavurah is the Hebrew word for “fellowship.” The chavurah movement came on the scene in the late 1960s and early ‘70s as a sort of counter-culture, led by primarily younger Jewish adults.
Rabbi David Cohen, spiritual leader of Congregation Sinai, explained early chavurot as “the younger generation’s attempt to create Jewish community without relying on their ‘parents’ synagogues.’”
Indeed, many chavurot formed in the ‘70s were purely grassroots Judaism, not connected to a synagogue or religious institution. An example of the early ideology behind the chavurah can be found in “The Jewish Catalog,” produced in 1973 by Richard Siegel and Michael and Sharon Strassfeld.
The catalog reprinted “Blueprint for a Havurah,” by Burt Jacobson, an early member of Havurat Shalom, one of the earliest chavurot in existence, which began in 1969 in Somerville, Mass.
“A havurah is a core community of individuals who care for one another personally, and strive to attain a shared human and Jewish consciousness through shared activities and experiences. In this way a community structure is gradually built, and the havurah becomes a meaningful center in the lives of its haverim (friends),” states the article.
The blueprint continues with a list of chavurah components, including holding “encounter sessions” to share and confront feelings, and creating a shared economic base, implying an almost communal nature.
Philosophically speaking, however, the earlier chavurah is perhaps not so very different from the chavurot today. What differs is that often, a contemporary chavurah is an extension of a synagogue community, rather than a disengagement from one.
“Nowadays, many congregations have chavurot whose members seek a more tangible sense of community, with an affinity group of those of similar ages and ages of children,” said Cohen.
Rabbi Ronald M. Shapiro, spiritual leader at Congregation Shalom, knows of about five or six chavurot at his synagogue. He believes that the chavurah plays an important role in Jewish life today.
“They create more intimacy within the larger congregations,” he said, “as well as a family kind of atmosphere for people who do not have family in town.”
Cohen, who served a congregation in California prior to coming to Sinai, saw more chavurot there, because most of the congregants did not have family nearby.
Responding to needs
A lack of local family was one reason David and Naomi Cobb decided to form a chavurah.
“The holidays and lifecycle events feel disconnected” without family in town, Naomi Cobb explained. “We hope for a more intimate connection with Judaism.”
In addition, the Cobbs recently placed their six-year-old daughter Ariella in public school after two years at Milwaukee Jewish Day School. “We wanted Ari to see more than once-weekly Judaism,” through religious school at Congregation Sinai.
Watching others pray alone is what prompted Phyllis Dorf to take action at her synagogue, Congregation Emanu-El B’ne Jeshurun, about six years ago.
“I have always had Shabbat dinner at home, with my family around me,” said Dorf, who describes herself as a lifelong member of Emanu-El. “I went to Shabbat services one night and looked around at all of these empty-nesters, who are alone at temple.”
The proverbial light-bulb went off: What if she could gather the empty-nesters together to share Shabbat once a month?
Dorf called her friend and fellow congregant, Florence Fishman, and they approached Rabbi Marc Berkson with their idea.
“He loved it,” said Dorf, and a chavurah was formed.
In the beginning
It seems that the making and make-up of a chavurah can be vast and varied. Each group has a story.
For the Beth Israel chavurah, families were actively sought out by the synagogue administration through a survey distributed to members. The synagogue matched the families based on ages and interests.
Congregant Sarah Packman was given a list of names to contact, and she hosted an informal get-together for the adults. Nobody knew each other very well at that time.
“We knew who the others were, but we wouldn’t have gotten together socially,” said Leo Kleiner.
By contrast, David and Naomi Cobb contacted friends to be part of their beginning chavurah, after approaching Cohen for guidance early last summer. They asked three families to join them, but they also asked those families to extend invitations to others.
Barely four months old, their chavurah of seven families is still in its infancy. Six of the seven families belong to Sinai. The children range from three to 16 years old, with most between the ages of four and seven.
Emanu-El’s chavurah, publicized through the synagogue’s bulletin and from the pulpit, now includes nearly 60 members. There are couples, widows, singles, all 55 and older.
Although the number can vary, there is a core group of 25-30 people who attend the monthly Shabbat service together and then share a potluck dinner with discussion afterward.
Latkes and worship
The Beth Israel chavurah “officially” gets together once a month with their children, according to participant Bob Paley. But they will also have many impromptu get-togethers, in the name of friendship as much as fellowship. They also attend synagogue services together, part of Kleiner’s original aim in starting a chavurah.
“There’s an increased connection to the synagogue,” noted Packman. “Having the chavurah makes people want to attend synagogue.”
Their social events run the gamut from a wine tasting or theater event for the adults to a family backyard campout or weekend away with the kids in the Wisconsin Dells.
With their children, 18 in all who range in age from newborn to 9 years, the chavurah celebrates all of the major Jewish holidays.
For Chanukah this year, the whole group will have Friday night dinner at the Packmans’ Bayside home. “We’ll have latkes, of course,” Packman said.
They are also hoping to adopt a Jewish family in need, something that they have done for Chanukahs past with the assistance of Jewish Family Services.
“It’s totally anonymous,” Packman explained. “We’re told the ages and genders of the children and what they’d like to receive,” and they also purchase something for the parents.
The Cobbs’ chavurah has jumped into their activities at a frenzied pace. Since August they have held three adult events and two events with the children.
“We still need to get to know each other as adults,” Naomi Cobb explained, musing that it could take a good year to “get to that comfort level.”
Children’s activities included an apple picking day with a scavenger hunt for Rosh HaShanah, and a “progressive sukkah building” at three of the families’ homes. There is discussion of offering Hebrew lessons for the kids.
“Mostly these are child-friendly events that adults can also enjoy,” she said.
They have planned a large, ambitious celebration for Chanukah: There will be latkes and sufganiyot, the dreidel game, Chanukah storytelling with a local Jewish educator and music activities led by a local Jewish musician.
While the chavurah from Beth Israel and the Cobbs’ chavurah are eager to tackle a myriad of social, educational and religious activities — with children and without — the empty-nester chavurah at Emanu-El is singular in purpose.
“We all participate in a 6:15 p.m. Shabbat service, followed by a potluck dinner” at the temple, said co-founder Dorf. Emanu-El contributes the wine, challah and beverages.
Following dinner, a discussion leader engages the group in a topic of Jewish content or concern. The rabbi, cantor and synagogue president have all taken part.
Camaraderie in common
What these seemingly different groups of people share in common is the warm feeling that comes over them when speaking of their chavurot.
“There is a feeling of camaraderie,” said Dorf. “It feels good that we have started something that has really taken off.” Her friend Fishman added how nice it is to share Shabbat together from month to month.
David Cobb described his new chavurah as “a really nice group of people.” He added that he has enjoyed seeing the other members of the group form friendships and get along.
His wife agreed. “There’s a very haimish feel to the group,” she said.
Kleiner marveled at how the relationships among the Beth Israel chavurah have changed in the five-plus years they have gotten together.
“Friendships have been cemented,” he said.
“We’ve become a support network for each other,” said Packman. “This is my core of support.”
For the two chavurot involving children, the warmth has trickled down to the younger generation, if perhaps on a different level — more social than emotional.
“The kids have really connected,” said Stephanie Goldstein, who is part of the Beth Israel chavurah, “and they’re always excited about the programs.”
Another common element for all the chavurot is food and drink. Emanu-El’s chavurah has spun off a recipe exchange.
“The food gets better every year!” said Fishman of the Shabbat potlucks.
As for the Beth Israel chavurah, references to food at their celebrations were sprinkled liberally throughout the interview, with one participant jokingly referring to the food as her favorite part of the chavurah itself.
Recipe for success
So why do some chavurot stand the test of time while others fizzle out after only a brief encounter?
“Maybe it’s just chemistry,” offered Kleiner, who noted that he has seen chavurot that do not make it. The Cobbs echoed Kleiner’s sentiment.
“Also, everyone in our group is willing to compromise,” added Paley of the Beth Israel chavurah. “You can’t be too demanding or it won’t work.”
Other members of the Beth Israel chavurah mentioned the importance of sharing responsibilities for hosting and planning the events, which also provides a mutual ownership.
Rabbis Cohen and Shapiro agree that sharing responsibility and making the commitment to the chavurah is what keeps it sustained and successful. Congregations Shalom and Sinai have chavurot that have lasted as long as 30 years.
“People have to make the commitment, both for the nature of the chavurah as well as for the time, to have it scheduled,” said Shapiro.
“We also stress the importance of communication,” added Cohen, a member of a chavurah himself. He advises getting the adults together for a night without the kids early on, which helps them get to know each other better than if they were to try it during time with the children.
Across the board, members of all three chavurot predict long-term commitments to the effort.
“We’ll be celebrating many happy events together in the future — bar mitzvahs, weddings,” said Kleiner.
Craig Johnson, part of the Cobbs’ chavurah, will continue participating because he feels “a tighter sense of belonging than in a formal synagogue setting.”
Shapiro concurs. “The chavurah is truly a vehicle to cultivate friends and to feel a sense of belonging to a community, to feel a sense of spirituality with others.”
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