Buying a bat mitzvah outfit may not seem as important as preparing a Torah portion, but for Lauren Silbar it was a big deal.
She had the task of hunting for not one but two “perfect” outfits for the service and two more “perfect” outfits for the evening party for twin daughters Sydney and Lyndsey, who celebrated their b’not mitzvah on May 11 at Congregation Sinai.
To further complicate matters, daughter Rachel, 15, also needed two outfits for the festivities, so the magic number became six. (Wonder if she had time to shop for herself?)
“When someone looks at our family album, we don’t match,” she mused. “Though their outfits were not compatible, at least we found things they liked and were willing to wear. That each hated the other’s choice is insignificant.”
It was dealing with two different groups of friends that caused headaches for Beverly Gruber, whose daughters Natalie and Abby, now 16, celebrated their b’not mitzvah three years ago at Congregation Beth Israel. “Picking dresses was no big deal,” she said.
Although Marge Eiseman didn’t have to worry about what sons Jacob and Jona Muchin wore to their b’nai mitzvah last March at Congregation Sinai, she agreed with the other mothers that the process of planning the service and the celebration for twins was “challenging.”
Silbar said, “It’s not easy to incorporate two people’s ideas and opinions into one event that is supposed to be each one’s most special life cycle occasion. One liked this, the other liked that.”
Eiseman agreed, but felt boys are probably less fussy than girls.
Gruber found the experience so stressful that at one point the family considered not doing it. “I feel the bar/bat mitzvah falls at an awkward age of development and for girls, it can be at the height of ‘ickiness.’ I was concerned that each peer group be respectful to the other girl, because, after all, this was each one’s most special life cycle event.”
Eiseman and Silbar were pleased with the way Rabbi David Cohen handled the process. Silbar said she and her husband, Elliott, weren’t involved in the actual preparation for the b’not mitzvah service, but Eiseman took an active role with the boys as they learned their Torah portions.
“Not all parents read Hebrew or are familiar with the Torah trope, but I am, so that allowed me to have some good quality one-on-one time with each son during this exciting time in our lives,” Eiseman said.
She added that they decided between themselves who would go first in leading the service, reading Torah and so on. “They actually took a ‘tag team’ approach to their reading of Haftorah.”
Gruber, too, credited Rabbi Lee Buckman, CBI’s former spiritual leader, with “being extremely sensitive to the twin issue. Each read their own Torah portion and they shared reading the Haftorah. The rabbi made the decisions as to who would read what and who went first, which made it easier for us.
“Because the girls are so different, in his sermon Rabbi Buckman talked about learning to rejoice in each other’s successes.”
Silbar explained, “Each girl had her own portion and Haftorah, too. But, we did have to divide the aliyahs a little differently. The girls never studied together or discussed how they were doing. The only time they read together was during rehearsals at the synagogue. Initially, the household was a bit stressful as I think the girls didn’t have a grasp on what they were doing. Once they got into it, things settled down.”
Eiseman and husband, Andy Muchin, also found dealing with the aliyot challenging because they both wanted to be there for each child. “We worked it out,” Eiseman explained, “by having Andy do his with part of the family and I did mine with the other part. Also, we staggered their speeches, and they did a joint ‘thank you.’ At the end, they thanked each other, which was very emotional, because they were sincere about their appreciation of each other.”
The Muchin boys also studied separately “but were encouraging to each other. I think they formed a stronger bond during the process even though they are different in their internal motivation,” Eiseman said.
Like the others, the Gruber twins studied separately and even rehearsed separately with Buckman. “My husband David and I had just become Torah readers,” explained Beverly, “so we were able to help the girls prepare. I think one struggled more than the other with learning the Hebrew.”
In describing her daughters, Silbar also acknowledged that they are very different. “One is more diligent, but something of a procrastinator, while the other is more impulsive and easy going.”
Yet, “coincidentally,” she noted, “they independently wrote almost identical ‘thank you’ speeches.”
Silbar found picking invitations difficult, so she turned it into a family decision. “We got concensus and while one daughter wasn’t thrilled, she got over it. Other details such as selecting the band and choosing centerpieces went well.”
Once the Muchin boys agreed on colors — blue, white and silver — they were fine with having their mom design the invitation.
“Surprisingly,” Gruber laughed, “everyone agreed on the party theme, decorations and the other details. The girls knew I wanted to keep it simple and focus on the religious experience. The biggest thing was that each daughter could invite who they wanted. Though I worried about adolescent nastiness, the kids were stellar.”
Fortunately, the Silbars agreed on a mitzvah project — actually three projects. They collected new toys, which were incorporated into the centerpieces for the luncheon and used toys from synagogue members — all of which were donated to the oncology unit at Children’s Hospital of Wisconsin. Also, due to the loss of a family dog, the girls made dog beds, which they delivered to a local emergency animal hospital.
All the families wish their rabbis well — for Cohen will have two b’nai mitzvahs for his two sets of twins and Buckman one for his twin sons. “Luckily,” quipped Silbar, “they’re all boys, so they won’t have to worry about dresses.”
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