Two years ago around Father’s Day I admit I was thinking of my new Weber grill. I don’t think I’m all that unique of a fellow. After all, getting your first Weber grill whether you’re a charcoal guy or a gasman is a rite of passage.

I wasn’t always like this. Years ago as Father’s Day neared, before I became a father myself, I would spend a significant amount of time thinking about which (deeply discounted) tacky shirt to buy for my father, long known for his sartorial splendor. He would proudly wear these gaudy, ill-fitting purchases.

Today I have a little more disposable income to pamper my dad, so I invest a little more in his wardrobe. We’re talking Tommy Bahamas, Bugatchi and Jones of New York. But these gems go straight into some drawer, never to see the light of day. Just goes to show you: You can lead a horse to water….

This year things are a bit different. My focus has shifted (actually radically altered is probably more accurate). Unless you’ve been in an isolation tank for the past couple of years, you’ll have noticed that the world seems to be a different, more dangerous place.

Yes, danger has always been out there, and violence has always been ready to rear its ugly head, often at moments that we least expect. There was the time that I witnessed a murder with my young nephew visiting from St. Louis, the time I was shot at in graduate school (I was living in student housing), the time I was mugged in high school on the first day of basketball practice (I didn’t go back) and the time at Summerfest as a young teen when a much older (but still relatively young) guy was assaulting his defenseless female partner while dozens idly watched.

All of these events could be explained by being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I tend not to think about these “isolated” incidents much. Life goes on.

No wiggle room

Man, how things have changed. Today, instead of air quality and ozone alerts, danger is color coded like a box of crayons. Thanks to recent events in the world and in our communities — 9/11, school shootings (violence is the #1 cause of death among adolescents, a public health crisis according to the CDC), the frequency and seeming acceptance of dating violence and bullying behavior — my concern has drifted from what gifts I might receive this Father’s Day to what my obligations might be as both a man and a father.

Much as I hate to admit it, (because I begin to sound like my dad and the middle-aged party pooper that I am), this adult experience isn’t all it’s cracked up to be or what I imagined it would be. What was once an academic interest in violence has become a fear that I live with as the father of a young child, my daughter.

“Enough doom and gloom already” I can hear myself saying to calm my anxiety. “The opportunities that exist for her are greater than they have ever been before.” True enough, but so too are the perils and challenges. Tough situations will soon be upon her.

Richard Gross, M.D., a child and adolescent psychiatrist, suggested that when it comes to the interpersonal violence that many schoolchildren encounter daily, we are “all either bullies, bullied or bystanders.” Perhaps Gross is overstating things a bit, but the way he frames the issue doesn’t leave a whole lot of wiggle room.

What man wants to be a “bystander”? Not this guy, and I know I am not alone in this. Men all over the country (and the world for that matter) are increasingly becoming involved in actively trying to make their schools, communities and cities safer, less violent places.

One such group in Canada will have its third annual Father’s Day Walk for Violence Prevention, which last year raised over $100,000. Another men’s group sponsored a “Walk a Mile in Her Shoes” for family violence. The thought of seeing a group of fathers trying to navigate more than ten feet in high-heeled shoes is truly a frightening thought and not something I really want to do. As luck would have it I wear size 12D so I can claim an equipment problem.

The important point here is that I do know several men who would contemplate “taking such a walk” if some good would come of it. This represents a huge historical shift in how my gender has thought about the issue of interpersonal violence.

While women have historically sought solidarity and found commonality with victims of such violence, most men (myself included) have distanced themselves from the perpetrators of violence. We’ve highlighted the differences. All too often we have been “bystanders.”

Yet distancing ourselves from the perpetrators of violence is for me on this Father’s Day, and all Father’s Days to come, increasingly less of an option.

If you’d like to do something about making the world and your community a safer place for your children or grandchildren, and you’re not quite sure how or where to start, give me a call. We’ll talk!

Hirsh Larkey is a psychologist with Jewish Family Services, but mostly he is the father of a very special seven-year-old daughter. He can be reached at 414-390-5800 or heshy@execpc. com.