Zion, Mars (Rosh HaShanah 2355/6115) – Ten lost tribes discovered
A newly discovered indigenous people has been uncovered west of the Great Canal who have shown an amazing ability to “make the desert bloom” according to anthropologist Mort Meadinsky of the Gullis Antiquities Institute. “These folks appear to be from the 10 lost tribes of Israel,” he stated.
Mayo Clinic: People to live forever
Rochester, MN (Yom Kippur 2355/6115) — Dr. Zalman Blowhardovitch announced today that medical technology has reached the point where natural death is a thing of the past.
“Of course this calls into question the supremacy of God,” the doctor continued. Audience member Rabbi Einstein Shem-Tov was overheard to respond, “So, big deal, vat’s nu? Some shlemiel lives forever? Vat’s forever to Got?”
Mequon commission tables JCC family park request
Mequon (Sukkot 2355/6115) — The Mequon Planning Commission tabled a request today for a swimming pool by the Harry & Rose Samson Family Jewish Community Center for the 11,000th time, citing the need for further Hover Craft traffic studies.
JCC officials stated, “We are very encouraged by the numerous positive comments from commission members and look forward to providing them the data needed to bring this process to a mutually beneficial conclusion.”
Right of return confirmed for Jews, Muslims, Christians and
followers of Noachide Laws
Jerusalem (Pesach 2355/6115) — The current population of the Holy Land has now reached 118 billion citizens. The law now states that the maximum time a citizen may live in-country is 37 seconds.
“This is more than adequate for recharging the spiritual batteries,” said momentary Prime Minister Mendel Blitzprayer before he was hustled onto his return flight.
Modern miracle ushers in
messianic plenary session
Milwaukee, Confluence of the Three Rivers (Shavuot 2355/6115) — The National Jewish Conference, held in Milwaukee last week, issued this statement: “Now that we are 115 years into the Messianic era, all existing Jewish movements have agreed to unify all strains of Judaism.
“This includes groups ranging from the strictly traditional Feminine Orthodox, to the Eco-Hasidic Conservatives, and also including Aboriginal Reform, Agnostic Reconstruction, Knitcaps, Hardhats, and Madcaps, the Unchosen, Rechosen, and Dechosen.
“This new supergroup will be called Federation and pledges are due by noon Friday.”
Pope issues edict forgiving
Jesus for being Jewish
Vatican City, Israel (Tisha B’Av 2355/6115) — Over lox and bagels and without further comment, the Vatican today released a 1,600 page “Revelation of Forgiveness for the Common Man.”
Intermarriage up: 99 percent
of population now Jewish
Nu New York, Asteroid 18 (Chanukah 2355/6115) — According to the Inter-Galactic Anti-Defamation League incidents of anti-Semitism are more widespread today than at any time in human history.
The IADL Annual Report states: “This disturbing trend is the result of increasing intermarriage resulting in the fact that virtually everyone now identifies themselves as being Jewish. Thus we now include every putdown and marriage squabble as an anti-Semitic incident.”
Milwaukeean Max Samson is a member of the executive committee of the national board of Americans for Peace Now.
Solid values, thriving community
By Sheldon Wasserman, M.D.
Mulling the future, I wonder how the first members of America’s first Jewish community 350 years ago would have envisioned our modern world.
I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t have been able to predict that both of Wisconsin’s United State senators would be Jewish. And they probably couldn’t have foreseen that the country they were helping build would become home to more Jews than any other country in the world.
I say this because, despite their belief in a better future, they faced continued persecution and discrimination. Fortunately, the core values they brought with them to this new land were passed down through their families and the Jewish community grew.
As a physician and a legislator, much of my time is spent trying to help people have a healthier and happier future. But it is highly unlikely that any of the babies I deliver or laws I help write will still be around in 350 years. I can only make predictions.
I predict that the Lubavitch light will be shining brighter and there will be many more Shmotkins around. The Twerski family’s influence will still be felt throughout the Milwaukee Jewish community and the nation. And I foresee that the Temple Menorah will still be headed by the Lerer family.
We might not have two Jewish U.S. senators in 350 years but I think we will have had several Jewish governors, perhaps one from the early part of the 21st century.
While I see only one kosher bakery in Milwaukee’s future, Le Parve, I see healthy competition arising between three kosher restaurants over who has Milwaukee’s best corned beef sandwiches. And I foresee many chicken soup contests, which will make Milwaukee famous.
Jewish life in Wisconsin in 350 years will continue to be vibrant and engaging. Although assimilation will always be a concern, I foresee a future marked by a renewed commitment to Jewish religious life.
I fully expect that Jewish members of the community will be leading Wisconsin forward. Our values will continue to be passed down from generation to generation, our Jewish past being renewed in the present, helping to build a brighter future.
My optimism springs from my belief that our Jewish heritage – passed down from Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Sarah, Rebecca, and Leah – which has guided and nourished us for thousands of years, will easily continue for the next 350 years, making Wisconsin a better place for Jews and non-Jews.
Milwaukee native Sheldon Wasserman has been a state representative since 1994. He is a graduate of the Medical College of Wisconsin, and maintains a full time practice as an obstetrician-gynecologist.
‘Minhag America’ in the Messianic Age
By Rabbi Avner Zarmi
As we approach Rosh HaShanah of the Jewish year 6115, we have an opportunity to reflect on the developments in our little corner of the Jewish world. The “American” Jewish community, of course, refers to those of us whose ancestors came from that country, and who follow minhag America today.
What is “minhag America”, and how is it different from the minhagim (traditions) of other Jewish communities in our renewed, Messianic kingdom of Israel?
The fact is that something more unites us than the mere fact that Mashiach, [Messiah], when he was revealed to those many years ago, brought our ancestors from the far-away shores of North America to reside in our Holy Land.
We are, in fact, a pluralistic bunch: Among us may be found adherents of all the streams of Chassidism; there are also the yeshiva communities, centered around such great, transplanted institutions as Chafetz Chayyim, Torah va-Da’ath, Ner Yisrael, and Beyth Midrash ha-Gadol (colloquially still called “Lakewood”) among many others.
And then, of course, there is the Sephardic contingent. All of them are unique regiments in the American division of the armies of HaShem.
In our communities throughout the Land of Israel, we still speak our unique Judeo-English idiom, which continues to be a vehicle for the dissemination of Torah and the publication of original works of Torah thought.
Then again, the American zest and zeal for punctilious mitzvah observance, and the great love of Torah learning, are proverbial among our brothers and sisters.
Another part is the American custom of wearing chassidic dress and a good hat on Shabbat and yom tov (holidays), and an ordinary suit and hat during the week. This is a custom characteristic and symbolic of the American ideal that strives to take the best from both the yeshiva camp and the Chassidic camp and combine them into a whole greater than the original parts.
Then, of course (if a bit more superficially), there is the American contribution to Jewish cuisine, the hot dog and the hamburger, both of which have become popular far outside actual American circles.
Yes, the many adherents of minhag America still constitute one of the most energetic and vibrant sectors of the Chosen People.
Rabbi Avner Zarmi is vice president of the Wisconsin Chapter of Agudath Israel of America.
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